oops!

It's hard to believe that this sweet little guy...

could inflict this kind of damage....but he did.

He got in bed this morning with Travis and I, and went to flop back onto the pillow and it was my head instead.

Men are that they might have joy, but this life is a test....

Hmm....lots of thoughts in my head over this particular subject matter. I have found myself in an internal battle with myself trying to let the faith win over the natural man - but this my friends is a particularly difficult task for me. This post will be more of a journal entry - much of it very personal in nature. I am going to "bury" it in my blog posts as to not call attention or pity to myself. I find that writing my thoughts and feelings is theraputic, but I don't like the charity that often comes from the outsiders. I know I need to humble myself, it's just hard.

So- men are that they might have joy? How do you find joy in the drudge of the day to day when you look at the big picture and see so much craziness. Somehow I manage to still find joy in moments with my family with my kids, with others...but I am still a bit deflated and I feel that I am cutting myself short of the joy that can come with this mortal journey.

When we first took our little economic hit before we knew that 2 of our developers weren't going to pay us, I was praying that somehow we would see that money come in so that we could pay our vendors back. I remember pleading with the Lord after we found out that one developer wouldn't pay, to please let the other one come through even though it was a much lesser amount. This never happened. I lived. We prayed some more for answers on what to do, we received Priesthood blessings, we listened to the spirit.

In one of Travis' blessings he was told to stick with what he was doing (which at the time was still Boulder Creek and also a company called PrePaid Legal) - it was very clear that that is what we were supposed to be doing at that time. I was helping with the ppl side and was working 2-3 hours every afternoon with Travis and trading off who went to different meetings. I had to pray every day before I would start because it was so hard to go try again. Nonetheless, ever time I prayed I had a wash over me of the spirit that it was what I needed to be doing. EVERY DAY it was reaffirmed. So I stuck with it.

Gradually we were directed in different areas. We expanded our client base in the lawn care side of our business, Travis and I prayed and went to the temple to get an answer for another opportunity that presented for him to sell home security systems. We felt good about it. We knew it could take care of the needs of our family...so we went forward with that. We are still going forward with that - some days are good, some are horrible and terribly debilitating on both of us with regards to our morale, but we try to stay positive and know the the Lord is directing us. I try to pray every day multiple times a day while Travis is out knocking doors once again pleading for his success so that he can once again feel like he is worth what I already know he's worth. I feel that he has been broken over the last few years and I can't make it better. Now, granted we are only 3 weeks into the security sales and he's done ok, but there have been more downs than ups with it and my pleadings seem to be in vain. How do I put that aside and somehow just let the Lord take it over?

I feel like everything I have asked for in my prayers everything that I feel is a "righteous desire" and should be "granted unto me" (heck, I only want to be able to provide for our family without the stress of wondering where our next check will be from ) I think it's a righteous desire....I guess I don't know what a righteous desire is since I can't see the whole picture.

I know that the Lord knows what I need. But my prayers have changed from asking for specific blessings to just asking for Him to bless me as He sees fit, because what I ask for doesn't happen. It doesn't weaken my faith, but it makes me realize that He is in control and I need to trust Him. I know that He knows my heart, He knows my desires, He watches me cry, He watches me try to be the daughter He needs. I try every day, I try to serve I try to be happy I try to be willing when there are needs. Adversity is hard, it is a necessity, I understand that, but I am still human, I cry a lot (more than anyone could ever imagine), I put on a happy face every day and move forward, I hope more than I ever thought possible that we will get to a point that grants us a time (even if it's for a short while) of serenity so I can recover and regroup before the next challenge comes. I wish that I knew how to make it better, most of all I wish I knew how to fix a broken man. He has a heart of gold, a willingness to help others, a love of the gospel, and I want him to see himself like I do. I know he's been through more than I can imagine just being the breadwinner and catching blow after blow until there's not a lot of confidence left at all...

I don't know if any of this post made sense. But I would like my children to know that trials come, they are hard, they teach us so many things, and sometimes we don't know what the entire lesson will be until they are over.

Some much needed sister therapy!

Last weekend I was able to go and see my sister Lynn (AKA the Queen) at her place in Virginia. Travis thought it would be a good break to get away- so for my birthday he told me to go for a few days. It was great! We tried to make it work so that Trish could be there too, but it didn't quite work out that way - it's a good thing we are all going to see each other over the 4th of July.

Anyway, I left at 4am on Thursday to catch a flight to her side of the country. I didn't sleep the entire night before (well except for 2 hours) because the wind was horrific and woke me up. Knowing that I had to fly in a few hours and having my last flight be so traumatic with the microbursts I coulnd't sleep anymore. So at 3am I got up and got ready.

I got to Queen's at 1:30 and we went and got a 20 pc. chicken nugget from McDonalds....it was so good, I don't know if it was because I was so hungry, but I think I ate like 18 and left 2 for her and her kids. I was starving!

We tried to go to Ross that night and do a bit of shopping, but the Ross we went to was no good. So we just went to Zumba. Her teacher is much different than mine...great workout still, just totally different styles. She blares the music so loud I couldn't hear until I got home to Boise. :) just kiddin. It was loud though. It was so much fun to be in the class with Queen....we rocked it!

The next morning we all went to the Gym again (Jake and the kids along with Queen and I) to workout again...I wanted to try spinning...so we went to a spinning class where the teacher was a little crazy and she had us spinning our lives away trying to get away from a man who had taken us to a cabin in the woods.....it was crazy motivation but it worked. After that class we went to a Zumba class again (our goal was to burn 1000 calories)....we are a little crazy! But we did it!

We did end up finding a Ross that had great stuff and I got a whole slew of things for Travis and myself! It was fantastic!

We went to a park right next to the city (you wouldn't know it though becuase the trees were so thick) on Saturday morning and ran a mile and then walked....I must say the walk was very theraputic....just good conversation.

We ended up going out on Saturday night and seeing a movie and getting dinner she and I and Jake. It was good conversation at dinner about what we would do in hypothetical child raising situations....

All in all a great trip just to be with extended family - love on her kiddies, and spend time together. Thanks for a great birthday gift Travis!

Mother's Day Entertainment

I entertained my kids on this Mother's Day afternoon by showing them my headstand skills. They were all in awe and tried to do thier own versions. I am happy to say that I could stay up for a long time, it was the hysterical laughter that made me fall every time I got up! It's times like these when we are all together laughing and playing that I want to freeze and save forever! That's what makes motherhood great!

a Few Random Pictures

I was feeding the dogs one evening and hear over the fence a bunch of the neighbor kids laughing and an adult neighbor....I hop over to see my baby (thinking that it's summer...) had stripped down to nothing and was running through the neighbor's sprinklers. ugh! He was very upset when I brought his fun to a hault and carried him inside to redress.

The other picture is one of me trying to keep that same child in check while I waited in a room at urgent care to see if there was something wrong with my right kidney....it was horrid all day and then the next day I was fine. But wrangling that child was horrific! (Tyler was keeping busy by being the photographer).

Wicked!

Travis and I bought tickets in November to go see Wicked when it came to Boise - we got to go today and IT. WAS. SO. GOOD! I'd never seen it before- I knew a bit about the story line, but it was so so good! Now one of my favorites for sure! Travis didn't want to go , but he really liked it as well! It made for a great Mother's day present!

Mother's Day Tea @ Kindergarten!

Today I went to a Mother's Day Tea in Gwendalin's Kindergarten Class. They did a little performance for us that included poems that they learned about baby chicks (they've had some eggs in an incubater that have started hatching) and 5 patriotic songs: Star Spangled Banner, This Land is Your Land, You're a Grand Ol Flag, My Country Tis of Thee, and America The Beautiful! They are impressive to watch...they did a great job. They presented us with placemats that included what they liked to do with their mom's (Gwendalin "likes to play chess with me" I didn't know we had ever played chess....but I treasure it nonetheless. They served us cookies and apple juice and we checked out the baby chicks both still in egg and hatched. It was a fun afternoon.

tHE drEaM mILe...

Hunter qualified to run the dream mile at school this year and the boys (little boys) and I walked over (well I ran and they sat in the jogger) over to the school to watch him run at the beginning of his afternoon recess. He came in 6th place and with a time of 8:24! Way to go Hunter!

Inexplicable Feelings....ever had those?

So, since we have moved from our house next door they have been painting and redoing everything. Today they are recarpeting. I am so so happy that they are doing this because then when someone buys is it will be nice and clean for them. But, watching them make all of these changes - particularly the painting was so hard for me....isn't that so stupid? I watched out my windows every day as they painted and then yesterday when they finished I walked over and peeked in the windows and everything I had done was gone, painted over, erased, and all of "me" or what I had done to make it mine was gone. I had such a hard time with it all day after I looked in the windows. That is so so ridiculous to feel like that - I am glad they are doing it, relieved that someone won't have to see the stained carpets! I was fine most of the day and then a neighbor came over and asked what they had been doing to that house and I totally lost it. What? Seriously? Marie, GET. IT. TOGETHER! I was so embarassed, probably because it was a neighbor - who hasn't had to go through what I've gone through and even doing my best to explain why I was feeling like I was feeling - it was not making any logical sense because I was glad they had made the changes. I am happy where I am now so why am I so upset over it? I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but even now just writing it down I am emotional about it. I think just because it was mine and I had worked hard to make it such and now any remnant of me is gone - but I'm glad...it really is completely irrational thought...oh well....I guess unless you've been through it you'll never understand.

"think" outside or inside the box

These were added just to show the doodle in the smallest box ever.

Or 'think' not at all....that's where I fit in. I think with age and also having had children, my mind is slowly melting away. Although I have been promised my mind will be "clear and active all my days..." it may be clear and active with things that I make up that aren't reality since I can't remember anything! I was at the preschool today (we've been at this preschool for 5 years starting with Hunter) and there's a keypad outside the door to let you in. I stood there and tried every code I could think of and couldn't get in. I had to wait for another parent to arrive to tell me the stupid code. HELLO? Why can't I remember it!? This is the second time in a month I couldn't remember it - at least the first time I knew I couldn't remember and I called them before I left so they could tell me what it was. I feel like I am rapidly losing my mind....I can't remember things like I used to...it's so horrible, because I used to be able to remember such details! ARGH!

In researching what could be the cause - I was surprised to find out that age really shouldn't be a factor...that there is no conclusive evidence that age causes memory loss, however, depression, stress, lack of sleep, and others can contribute. nice.



So, I guess I need to figure out what vitamins I am deficient in start writing research papers, and doing calculus equations, and my mind might sustain itself....who am I kidding? I'm too tired to add those to my life, so for now I will just be a little bit of a ditz at the door of the preschool trying to remember the code (that I've known for 5 years). I. Am. Awesome!


not a great picture of me at all - but one of my kids took it with my phone...

The sound of water

Water has to be one of the most soothing sounds that nature makes. In our new backyard it has been landscaped with a pond and little stream thing that flows into that pond. There is a small bubbler that comes from a rock and flows to the stream and ultimately the pond. The waterfall at the pond is gorgeous! I could sit out there all day and listen to it. Last week Travis put 3 bass in the pond at around 6 in the evening. We got up the next day and looked for those little things all dy - they were no where to be found...we think maybe a bird or a little varmit of some kind took off with them. So, we are going to try again and put a net under a portion of the water so that other living things can't take the fish away. In the meantime, I still enjoy the sound of water.