You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. some may be significant only to you. some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experience. - President Hinckley

Friday, May 30, 2014

Preschool Graduation

Dallin is officially done with preschool….my last one….no more preschool in our family.  We have been doing preschool for the last 9 years…I don’t know what we will do without it. J  His teacher was our neighbor, Carolyn – she’s amazing!  He is read for Kindergarten and can’t hardly wait for school to start.  I am a little sad that my baby is a kindergartner but at the same time, ready for this new chapter in our lives.  Here are few pictures from their field trip to the zoo (that I didn't get to go on, because I am working)- Dallin really likes a girl named Miss Carolyn snapped a shot for me.  

Monday, May 26, 2014

Sunday Walks to the Park

In moments like these I wish I could freeze time, somehow life feels normal, not rushed , perfect.  On this particular Sunday, Travis had an appointment for church and he wasn’t home.  So it was the kids and I who took a little walk.  We threw rocks, rode bikes, the boys and I did a little hike over the canal and saw a frog.  It was so beautiful outside.  I loved every minute.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

What if...

Sometimes I feel like I just need to write down how I'm feeling.  Since I have started working, my skin has magnified its issues by a bazillion, I have an anxiety attack on the brim of my brow all the time.  It's so hard to handle stress.  I don't do things I loved doing before (cleaning being one of them, going to my kids school functions, etc.) 

I am afraid I will be stuck working forever.  That is a very frightening thought.  What if we never get to a place where life settles (at least feels more settled).  My "what ifs?" are messing with my head and any amount of stress can set my anxiety into crazy spirals.

I don't want to forget how much I loved being home and doing "home chores" - even as much as I hated cooking dinner every night.  I just don't know if I will ever feel like I am in a place where I feel content.  That really bothers me. 

What if I end up working for the rest of my life?

What if I miss my kids school events?

What if Travis likes me working better than being home?

What if I never find contentment?

What if we can't ever make any financial headway?

What if I have skin problems until I am 6 feet under ground?

What if my kids don't remember me being home when they get home from school?

The only time I feel semi under control and "myself" is when I'm running...and since the weather has been good I have been doing an awful lot of it.  My kids take turns riding their bikes along side me.  I know a lot of my fears (probably all of my fears) are un-realistic.  I have had and will continue to have many candid conversations with Heavenly Father asking for help to accept and be able to handle my situation, but also to please help us find another way - that isn't with me working....I feel a pressing need to be with my kids - this world is a crazy place. The only reason I have felt somewhat okay with this working is because Travis has taken on the role of Mr. Mom - he keeps the kids he helps with house chores, and their lives haven't been too disrupted by my going back to work.

This is a double edged sword with him being so helpful....I feel a lot like I'm not needed at home and really never was (completely unwarranted again) but I still feel it....I am in such an insecure place.  I hope with more time (although it's been 3 months) maybe I can find the right balance.....I know Heavenly Father will guide me, I just hope I can handle the path He feels I should be on.

I feel pulled in so many directions with my time at home - I can't get up early in the mornings to workout- it makes me so my runs/workouts have to be at night but I have such limited time in the evenings when I get home and also on the weekend, that I feel pulled every way I can be.  The kids want my attention, Travis wants my attention, I want "my time" at home, I need to go see my parents- they need my time.....there just isn't enough time....I am on overload always.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Running Buddies

Tyler wanted to go running with me the other night….I go for 3 miles minimum and he wanted to go, so off we went…and he made it almost the ENTIRE way running!  I was so proud of him….that’s hard to do when you have smaller legs than your running partner!  He was amazing…..the most tender soft kid on the planet.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Pretty Ballerina

Gwendalin had a dance recital Saturday.  She looked so beautiful!  It's always a treat to spend the day with her on performance days.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

A Short Visit to Grandpa and Grandma's temporary house

After state wrestling, we headed down to Utah to see Grandpa and Grandma.  They are staying in a cabin in Huntsville - they are close to a lake that the kids loved .  Sand, trying to catch seagulls, cold water, etc.  We spent only a short time with them, but it was precious time and beautiful to see how much dad loves and cares for mom.  It has been such a crazy journey for both of them.  Dad has learned how to change her IV and administer her meds, and mom has learned how to accept help more than I'm sure she ever thought she would have to do.  They amaze me. My kids loved being there and I loved that I was able to take an extra day off work and go down and see them.