I have found myself talking with several people lately who just feel lost....in a funk if you will. I have written this post several times in my head and now just feel the need to jot it down for my own sanity. It will leave my mind and be put in my 'God Box' for Him to worry about for me.
I look around at other people (women in particular) and see them content with their lives. They aspire to go work away from home, they don't fret over a messy house, they don't stress over finances, they seem unbothered by parenting obstacles.....I'm not saying that's how it really is when they are behind closed doors, but that's what it looks like. I'm sure I look that way to many as well.
I contemplate the question (every day) what am I doing? What is my "plan?" I got my degree so I would have something to "fall back on" -- but I have no desire to ever use it. I will if I need to, but what's wrong with me that I don't want to? My friend does, and lots of other moms do....I don't even want to go to work when all my kids are in school- I would love to be able to keep volunteering in their classrooms, playing taxi all afternoon, etc. I hate that I compare. It shouldn't matter....but I look around and think - maybe I should get a job - my friend is and they aren't even struggling financially....she just wants the extra income.
Does this even make sense? Part of me feels like I should be content doing what I am doing, and I am, but when I look around and see all of these other things (moms doing preschools in their homes, moms who like to cook, moms who want to go to work, etc) I feel very small. Very inadequate. I don't think I'm lazy....but sometimes I wonder if Travis secretly wishes I would find a job ( not that there are any) so that some of the financial stress would dissapate.....but he assures me that he loves me being home and taking care of things here.
Several years ago an old bishop made this comment admist a conversation about Satan in the world.....someone said that he was trying to get into the homes of good families and cause chaos....the bishop's response was "He already has....hardly a home can survive today without 2 incomes..." I do NOT fault or judge women for going to work, but I find myself taking some peace from that comment knowing that we are scraping by - but I am here for my kids- in their classrooms, after school, before school, we are trying our best to maintain our lives without me going to work.
I guess my biggest fear is that I will end up at work and then somehow I will miss something my kids needed because I was distracted by other things....I like the protection that comes from just being home. I am not bombarded by the world in the workplace.
I'm not even looking for a job, but just watching the world around me, I feel lost. What is it I am supposed to be doing.....I am not a scriptorian, I am not a chef, I am not crafy, I am really just simple, I like to clean my house, pull weeds, play with my kids, date my husband...
I am having trouble putting how I feel into words....I just need to pray for contentment, and quit worrying about what might happen in the future. but I still wonder....if something is wrong with me.