Lost...

I have found myself talking with several people lately who just feel lost....in a funk if you will. I have written this post several times in my head and now just feel the need to jot it down for my own sanity. It will leave my mind and be put in my 'God Box' for Him to worry about for me.

I look around at other people (women in particular) and see them content with their lives. They aspire to go work away from home, they don't fret over a messy house, they don't stress over finances, they seem unbothered by parenting obstacles.....I'm not saying that's how it really is when they are behind closed doors, but that's what it looks like. I'm sure I look that way to many as well.

I contemplate the question (every day) what am I doing? What is my "plan?" I got my degree so I would have something to "fall back on" -- but I have no desire to ever use it. I will if I need to, but what's wrong with me that I don't want to? My friend does, and lots of other moms do....I don't even want to go to work when all my kids are in school- I would love to be able to keep volunteering in their classrooms, playing taxi all afternoon, etc. I hate that I compare. It shouldn't matter....but I look around and think - maybe I should get a job - my friend is and they aren't even struggling financially....she just wants the extra income.

Does this even make sense? Part of me feels like I should be content doing what I am doing, and I am, but when I look around and see all of these other things (moms doing preschools in their homes, moms who like to cook, moms who want to go to work, etc) I feel very small. Very inadequate. I don't think I'm lazy....but sometimes I wonder if Travis secretly wishes I would find a job ( not that there are any) so that some of the financial stress would dissapate.....but he assures me that he loves me being home and taking care of things here.

Several years ago an old bishop made this comment admist a conversation about Satan in the world.....someone said that he was trying to get into the homes of good families and cause chaos....the bishop's response was "He already has....hardly a home can survive today without 2 incomes..." I do NOT fault or judge women for going to work, but I find myself taking some peace from that comment knowing that we are scraping by - but I am here for my kids- in their classrooms, after school, before school, we are trying our best to maintain our lives without me going to work.

I guess my biggest fear is that I will end up at work and then somehow I will miss something my kids needed because I was distracted by other things....I like the protection that comes from just being home. I am not bombarded by the world in the workplace.

I'm not even looking for a job, but just watching the world around me, I feel lost. What is it I am supposed to be doing.....I am not a scriptorian, I am not a chef, I am not crafy, I am really just simple, I like to clean my house, pull weeds, play with my kids, date my husband...

I am having trouble putting how I feel into words....I just need to pray for contentment, and quit worrying about what might happen in the future. but I still wonder....if something is wrong with me.

Trying to Be a Man...

2 nights ago, Hunter came out of the shower hiding his face in his towel and then in his pajamas hiding his face in his shirt. He finally admitted and showed us that he had tried to shave in the shower and cut his upper lip. I was ticked and then I just started laughing.....it was pretty hysterical!

A Camping We Will Go

Every year we take a camping trip with Travis. Its sole purpose is to get the hunting camp all ready for the month of September. This year I am happy to report I drove one of the trucks and pulled a trailer! Yikes! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it still made me nervous. We took my parents 5th wheel and stayed 2 days (it was going to be 2 nights too....but Dallin starting not feeling well at all.) We didn't want to fill the tanks with our using the trailer, so we all enjoyed using the great outdoors as our lavatory. I came home with a bladder infection - I don't know if that was why, or if it was already coming.....but it came. The little boys loved it and Dallin is not in diapers anymore, so he really loved being able to drop his drawers and take care of business. We played in the river, made Dallin nap in the afternoon, took rides into town on the rhino and 4 wheeler, and played games. It was super fun!







They were trying to see if they could feel how cold the water was and also see if there were any fish.


Hunter made his own bow and arrow and shot his "arrows" into the fire.

See how Travis is making the s'more? He does this for me, marshmallow, chocolate, graham all at once ....it's so ooooy goooey good!

I love this picture. It's a little dark, but it's the little boys on the other side of the trailer taking care of "business."
Tyler loved hunting grasshoppers, the way he held them I think they were dead when he let them go, but he caught them nonetheless.



It was so cold the morning we rode into town...the boys laid down to stay warmer.

Hunter and Tyler both caught butterflies down by the river.

School Starts....

Gwendalin starts 1st Grade this year with Mrs. Aterberry. Hunter starts 4th grade and has Mrs. Sebesta. I have heard good and bad things about both teachers. I know my kids are good and hopefully will love their experiences. I worry most about Hunter - 2 years ago he had a horrible experience to the point that he was wanting to stay home every day. (that is very unlike him- he LOVES to go to school- to play). I talked with the teacher and we pushed through it but last year he had a GREAT teacher who loved him and he adored her. She genuinely loved to teach and it was reflected in the student's desire to do well to please her. I just don't want him to have a bad experience. I can't fight all of their battles, but I would like to. Just like I'm sure our Father in Heaven feels. He would probably love to intervene on many occasions, but He lets us work through it and grow. So, here are my cuties - my angels as I call them on the first day....Father's blessings last night promised great experiences...so here's to a GREAT year!

Unchartered Waters...

On Sunday I was sustained as the new Primary chorister. I have to admit I was not the happiest upon hearing the news....but as I've contemplated the many fun things I can do I am super excited to tackle it and hopefully get the kids the learn the songs and have a fun experience while doing it! I have enlisted the help of previous choristers (family, and ward members alike), I have stalked blogs, and I have come up with a few of my own crazy ideas. I am hoping to not only master program songs, but also learn all 13 articles of faith (through song) while I am in the position. I know it seems like a lot, but I have no doubt that it can be done! So, here we go!!!!!

Go out with a bang!

Summer is almost over! ( you can't see me, but I am doing a joyful dance...- we need routine to begin again).... School starts on Tuesday - so we took the opportunity to use our annual zoo passes and went to the zoo today. Travis met us and we did the zoo thing and then got lunch and ate at the park. Dallin loved every animal - and loved riding on Travis' shoulders (which Travis also loved as he is getting ready for "elk season"). We got to see the Komodo (sp?) Dragon eat his ground beef....very cool. The kids also got to feed the goats....super gross - I decided I love how soft all of the wild cats look (leopards, tigers, ocelots, etc.) they look amazingly cuddly. Sadly, the sloth bear was not out - he is my favorite!







The park we hate at had a huge fountain that smelled of river (blech!) but my kids loved to play in it and get as wet as they could. Travis was gone at that point - back to work - so we played in the water for a while and then checked out the bridge and the river. All in all a great way to "go out of summer with a bang!"


I can see that I am going to have my work cut out for me with the modesty issue and Gwendalin...every chance she gets she raises her shirt and ties it up in the back.....