Sometimes I feel like I just need to write down how I'm feeling. Since I have started working, my skin has magnified its issues by a bazillion, I have an anxiety attack on the brim of my brow all the time. It's so hard to handle stress. I don't do things I loved doing before (cleaning being one of them, going to my kids school functions, etc.)
I am afraid I will be stuck working forever. That is a very frightening thought. What if we never get to a place where life settles (at least feels more settled). My "what ifs?" are messing with my head and any amount of stress can set my anxiety into crazy spirals.
I don't want to forget how much I loved being home and doing "home chores" - even as much as I hated cooking dinner every night. I just don't know if I will ever feel like I am in a place where I feel content. That really bothers me.
What if I end up working for the rest of my life?
What if I miss my kids school events?
What if Travis likes me working better than being home?
What if I never find contentment?
What if we can't ever make any financial headway?
What if I have skin problems until I am 6 feet under ground?
What if my kids don't remember me being home when they get home from school?
The only time I feel semi under control and "myself" is when I'm running...and since the weather has been good I have been doing an awful lot of it. My kids take turns riding their bikes along side me. I know a lot of my fears (probably all of my fears) are un-realistic. I have had and will continue to have many candid conversations with Heavenly Father asking for help to accept and be able to handle my situation, but also to please help us find another way - that isn't with me working....I feel a pressing need to be with my kids - this world is a crazy place. The only reason I have felt somewhat okay with this working is because Travis has taken on the role of Mr. Mom - he keeps the kids he helps with house chores, and their lives haven't been too disrupted by my going back to work.
This is a double edged sword with him being so helpful....I feel a lot like I'm not needed at home and really never was (completely unwarranted again) but I still feel it....I am in such an insecure place. I hope with more time (although it's been 3 months) maybe I can find the right balance.....I know Heavenly Father will guide me, I just hope I can handle the path He feels I should be on.
I feel pulled in so many directions with my time at home - I can't get up early in the mornings to workout- it makes me so tired...so my runs/workouts have to be at night but I have such limited time in the evenings when I get home and also on the weekend, that I feel pulled every way I can be. The kids want my attention, Travis wants my attention, I want "my time" at home, I need to go see my parents- they need my time.....there just isn't enough time....I am on overload always.
