Goals! Ears! Holes in ears!

Gwendalin has sucked her thumb from the dawn of time.  I have told her repeatedly for the last several years that if she would quit she could get her ears pierced, but to no avail.  Recently, she decided it was time and took it very seriously, wrapping her thumb with a bandaid every night so she wouldn't do it...and making a huge effort to quit.  And she did.  I made her go 3 weeks and she did it.  So yesterday she got to have her ears pierced.  The Primary President I work with has a salon and also pierces ears...so we went and saw her to have it done...There was a moment she wasn't sure she wanted to do it and almost backed out because she was so scared...but she did it and she loves it!  What a fun afternoon...Grandma got to go with she and I so it made a fun girl's treat!

She almost changed her mind- but we made her stay... :)

Chess...

My kids aren't super into playing chess...but occasionally they want to go to a chess tournament.  This happened to be a day that they wanted to go so I signed them up.  They played 3 rounds (they were supposed to play 5, but they weren't that into it - so I didn't feel bad leaving early.) Gwendalin won 2 out of 3 and Tyler won 1 out of 3 - he mostly wanted to play his iPod.

The Process...

I had another interview in Eagle two days after the first one in Nampa.  This started out much better...my emotions were in check and I felt like the interview went really well.  I had been offered the position at Plexus prior to this interview so it gave me some leverage when hoping this other company would hire me.  They, however, did not hire me.  I took this picture as I came home from the interview that day, a stark difference in how I looked compared to the interview on Tuesday.  It was a good interview and I was glad for the experience and obviously the Lord knows where I need to be so it was ok that I didn't get this one.

I felt uneasy about the Plexus position still.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  So, on Monday (2/19) I had an appointment with my OB/GYN for my annual.  I love that guy.  He is the Stake Patriarch in his stake and is always very wise when I see him.  I told him some of the stresses I'd been having , along with a full blown UTI that had come on over the weekend ( I was peeing blood again).  He gave me the name of a book "Hearing the Voice of the Lord" by Gerald Lund because my burning question was How?  How do I know when it's the spirit or when it's my crazy head - going too many miles an hour?"  I came home and ordered it.  He didn't solve any of my problems but he listened and told me I wasn't crazy, and when he left he hugged me and told me he loved me.  Well, I love him too, and I am so glad Heavenly Father puts people in our lives that we need.

There was one day (they all run together now) where I was upset and discouraged and unsure and frustrated, you name it I was it.  I got in the shower and cried and prayed and cried.  Do I take the Plexus job - I don't feel good about it - it was the first offer - the Lord did tell me in the temple to 'be patient' so maybe it's not the right one.  I went back and forth, and finally decided I needed closure, so I called the temp agency and told them I would not be accepting the position.  There.  It was done. Now I'm settled.   Until Plexus HR calls me and says they have some questions...so I call back and tell them my concerns, it seems so stressful of a job - that's not good for me or my family.  I need a higher pay if I accept it.  So, they invited me in for another interview to pelt them with all my burning questions.  I felt ok about it, so I scheduled it and I went.  She (the hiring lady) spent a whole nother hour with me.  I asked, she answered.  She said that there was another gal seeking the position but didn't have the warmth that she felt I had even after our first interview....(are you serious?  I was a wreck for the first interview....)  I must've come off semi competent because they didn't offer her the job and seemed to want to pursue me.  She even told me after the second interview to please hang in there because although the starting pay was lower than I wanted through the temp agency - she knew she could get me to where I wanted/needed to be.  At this point, I felt peaceful.  I felt like I could handle the tasks of the position, and work with these women.  I now just needed to get started so I could get into a routine and feel confident and comfortable.

I left the facility and within an hour they called to offer me the job.  I accepted.  I start on Monday. I don't know how I feel, because sometimes I am fine and even excited, and sometimes I can't stop crying and the emotions won't quit.  

I feel like I'm in the middle of a very bad dream.   Someone will wake me up at any moment and say it isn't real.  I can stay home and volunteer in my kid's classrooms, clean my house, do my laundry, go to the grocery store, be home, be safe.  But no one has rescued me.  No one has woken me up.  It is real.  And the way it has come to be helps me know that the Lord's hand was in it.  "Be Patient" he said...."Plexus is NOT it for you" he said.  So, I turned it down. after multiple confirmations that Plexus wasn't it.  And then when I interviewed again, and felt so much more peaceful and even calm about it - I realized - that was how He had to tell me to do it.  "Be Patient."  ok, I am.  I was so upset over this offer and the unease of the position it was making me sick "Plexus is NOT it" He said....so I declined the offer and then learned more and got more educated about it.  I felt better and realized that is why He told me to be patient.  I had to take the job off the table for them to offer the second interview so I could learn more.  He knew that.  He knew I had to decline to get more information , to have peace, to feel good about it.  Because it was important to me, it was important to Him.  

Even in the midst of all the crisis (or what I felt like was a crisis) He was there.  I was sobbing and He was there.  He sent Dallin - He sent Travis & my parents - He put people in place to say the right things at the right times.

Today I got a text (which by the way the day started out awful - more anxiety - more tears - more panic).  I went out to run errands with Travis and Dallin.  I got a text from a lady in my ward, Stephanie.  She works at Plexus and I had no idea.  She is in the training department and saw my name on the list - she was an angel this morning - telling me how excited they are to have me and how she thinks I will be a great fit for the position.  I needed to hear that.  I am so glad she listened.

This will be a process of adjustment.  Our family will figure it out and we will be fine.  Change is always a challenge, but always brings growth - let's just hope I can handle the growth - because it seems a bit overwhelming.

I love when I see this....

First of all, I absolutely love when the kids are playing at MY HOUSE with their friends....I wish it happened more often.  I saw this on Monday afternoon - the boys were here and it was a pack of them...I loved seeing it.

Angles in the house...

The other morning, my anxiety started to come back...I  took a very small bit of xanax to nip it before it got out of hand and got the kids off to school.   I had taken a very small amount but it still knocked me out...so I had to lay back down.  I wanted Dallin to be close to me so I got him the iPad and turned on the TV and he just laid by me while I slept it off....during this whole process he has been such a blessing.  He sees that "I'm not feeling well" and gives me a hug or holds my hand, or sits by me.  He is an amazing little boy.  

Valentine's

We made homemade Valentines  this year...pretty cute if I do say so.  The kids boxes also turned out pretty darn cute.  Hunter helped Tyler make his (with the help of green tape from GM and GP).  Gwendalin had to have her box be a "simple machine" for part of her engineering class at school...so we orchestrated a pulley type/ lift thing.

A Sweet Message...

We fed the sister missionaries the other night (Pizza).  After my miserable day.....when they left - as they always do - they left us with a message.  This time, they sang.  It was beautiful.  2 verses of How Great Thou Art.....different than sharing a scripture, but it brought the spirit for sure.  Grateful for missionaries.

Hunter the master singer...

 This handsome young man had a choir concert on last

night.  He sounded as good as he looks.  He was animated (enough the his teacher noticed and he got one of five king sized candy bars for smiling and moving with the music).  He was adorable and I was so happy to see him perform.  Love this kid!

I can't say I've had worse...

I had a job interview yesterday with a company called Plexus.  Huge company.  Global.  1200 employees at this local office. I had made the appointment Monday evening to have the interview Tuesday at 11.  I was confident...they had just received my resume Monday morning and I had gotten the call that afternoon....so things happened super fast.

I woke up Tuesday morning and could tell I was going to have some anxiety.  To the extent that it was....I had no idea.  I faked it through getting the kids off to school...crying only in moments they wouldn't see and cleaning my face off right away.  I got up at 6.  I was a disaster with my breathing, crying, over thinking, etc. until 9:30.  I decided I had to shower...so I did...I sobbed in the shower.  I pleaded for help.  I got out and put on my makeup.  And thought - now I can't cry anymore my makeup is on.  Ha!  I sat in the rocking chair with a blanket over my legs to stay warm and rocked...tried to be calm...and then it came again.  The sobs.  I couldn't stop, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.  I was on the verge of what I feel could be complete hysteria.  I texted my mom to see if my dad was home and she replied with a yes.

At this point, it was 10:00.  I had to leave for my interview by 10:30.  I drove to my parents and dad opened the door....with his usual chit chat about homemade bread until he saw my face and I spewed out that I needed a blessing....  Mom didn't realize either until she came in the room speaking cheerfully and then saw me and knew instantly I was having a major panic attack.  She tried to help me breathe...all I kept saying while still trying to breathe and not die...was "I have to leave in 30 minutes, I have an interview... I have to leave in 30 minutes....I only have 30 minutes....I can't stop, I can't do this..."  It was awful and I felt completely helpless and didn't know why this was happening.  I have come to grips with the job thing...I don't get scared of interviews, I don't know what happened.  Anyway, dad gave me a blessing and in it told me that I would give all the right answers and I would be able to get through it.  Then mom said she would drive me to the interview and just wait for me.

We drove there (I grabbed an orange on the way to the car, since I hadn't eaten all morning).  I held a frozen bottle of water over my eyes while mom drove....I was trying to get the puffiness out of my eyes and the red to be gone....I think it was a futile attempt.

 We pulled up and my eyes were still bloodshot and red.  I had re done my makeup but the whites of my eyes were still bad.  I needed a cover story.  I went in  signed in and waited to start the interview.  She came in a few minutes late and the first thing I said after introductions was " I am so sorry my eyes are so red, my daughter has had a cold and I think I am getting it."  She seemed to buy it...and off we went.  There were 2 women conducting the interview (from 2 different departments).  We chatted, laughed, and ended up interviewing for over an hour.   About half way into the interview I started to get dizzy and my head went black...I knew I couldn't pass out (how embarrassing) so I opened my eyes as good as I could and I focused on whoever was talking with all my might.  If I were standing up, I would have passed out for sure. At the end of the interview I even got a tour of the facility.  It seemed like a fast, intense, stressful place to work, but at the same time, I could do the job they were describing.

I came home changed my clothes and laid on the couch...the crying returned, less intense and my head ached.  I tried to sleep, but it wouldn't come.  I just kept having my Dallie boy come give me hugs and kisses.  I needed that contact.  I love my kids.  I love my Travis.  I love my whole family.

Later in the afternoon, I got a phone call from Trish and from Scottie.  I texted Trish so that she knew I wasn't in a good place to "talk" - she understood.  When Scottie called, I was better and I chatted with him and just played it off that I was tired.  Later I sent him a message and told him what had happened.  It's amazing how siblings just understand...they get it.  I appreciated that so much.

Usually when I have the occasional panic attack it's at night and I just take something to help me sleep and then sleep it off and things are better in the morning.  This was a whole new experience.

I took this picture while I was laying on the couch trying to rest....when no rest came.  My whole body hurt, the tears still fell, I still have no reason why it came on so suddenly.  I am glad I lived through it.  It was an awful day.  I can't believe I managed to get through a job interview in that state.  But I did.  Miraculously they called me the today and did a follow up like they wanted to hire me....so it's definitely an option.

I didn't get a validation that it was the correct place, but I didn't get one that it was the wrong place to work either...so now I'll just have to wait and see what happens.  I have another interview tomorrow with a different company.  Much smaller....and I am bracing myself to have confidence to get through it with no crazy events before hand.

We are so social!

Travis had Klondike with the scouts (Deacons).  That is the overnight campout that is up in the snow and they sleep in snow caves and then do all kinds of snow events as troops to try to win awards.  He came home on Saturday and there was and Elder's Quorum party for our ward...it was HIS idea to go...So, we went at 6:07 (the 3rd couple to arrive) and we stayed socialized, ate some food and left at 8:30.  I was so proud of ourselves.  So many people at the party made comments about how proud they were that we even showed up, and then when we left, they were astonished....ASTONISHED I say that we stayed as long as we did.  We felt pretty accomplished.  This picture is laying on our bed after we got home...you can see how tired Travis was.

Snow Day!

It snowed....school was cancelled.....the kids played in it all day....In the late afternoon I took them up the hill and let them sled for a bit.   Travis was resting to get ready for Klondike, so he was home. They  (the kids) loved it.  Dallin got upset when snow got in his shirt, and Gwendalin got upset that she didn't get to go down the hill on the right sled....but other than that it was a great time.  Glad for the memories.  I hope they are too.