I woke up Tuesday morning and could tell I was going to have some anxiety. To the extent that it was....I had no idea. I faked it through getting the kids off to school...crying only in moments they wouldn't see and cleaning my face off right away. I got up at 6. I was a disaster with my breathing, crying, over thinking, etc. until 9:30. I decided I had to shower...so I did...I sobbed in the shower. I pleaded for help. I got out and put on my makeup. And thought - now I can't cry anymore my makeup is on. Ha! I sat in the rocking chair with a blanket over my legs to stay warm and rocked...tried to be calm...and then it came again. The sobs. I couldn't stop, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I was on the verge of what I feel could be complete hysteria. I texted my mom to see if my dad was home and she replied with a yes.
At this point, it was 10:00. I had to leave for my interview by 10:30. I drove to my parents and dad opened the door....with his usual chit chat about homemade bread until he saw my face and I spewed out that I needed a blessing.... Mom didn't realize either until she came in the room speaking cheerfully and then saw me and knew instantly I was having a major panic attack. She tried to help me breathe...all I kept saying while still trying to breathe and not die...was "I have to leave in 30 minutes, I have an interview... I have to leave in 30 minutes....I only have 30 minutes....I can't stop, I can't do this..." It was awful and I felt completely helpless and didn't know why this was happening. I have come to grips with the job thing...I don't get scared of interviews, I don't know what happened. Anyway, dad gave me a blessing and in it told me that I would give all the right answers and I would be able to get through it. Then mom said she would drive me to the interview and just wait for me.
We drove there (I grabbed an orange on the way to the car, since I hadn't eaten all morning). I held a frozen bottle of water over my eyes while mom drove....I was trying to get the puffiness out of my eyes and the red to be gone....I think it was a futile attempt.
We pulled up and my eyes were still bloodshot and red. I had re done my makeup but the whites of my eyes were still bad. I needed a cover story. I went in signed in and waited to start the interview. She came in a few minutes late and the first thing I said after introductions was " I am so sorry my eyes are so red, my daughter has had a cold and I think I am getting it." She seemed to buy it...and off we went. There were 2 women conducting the interview (from 2 different departments). We chatted, laughed, and ended up interviewing for over an hour. About half way into the interview I started to get dizzy and my head went black...I knew I couldn't pass out (how embarrassing) so I opened my eyes as good as I could and I focused on whoever was talking with all my might. If I were standing up, I would have passed out for sure. At the end of the interview I even got a tour of the facility. It seemed like a fast, intense, stressful place to work, but at the same time, I could do the job they were describing.
I came home changed my clothes and laid on the couch...the crying returned, less intense and my head ached. I tried to sleep, but it wouldn't come. I just kept having my Dallie boy come give me hugs and kisses. I needed that contact. I love my kids. I love my Travis. I love my whole family.
Later in the afternoon, I got a phone call from Trish and from Scottie. I texted Trish so that she knew I wasn't in a good place to "talk" - she understood. When Scottie called, I was better and I chatted with him and just played it off that I was tired. Later I sent him a message and told him what had happened. It's amazing how siblings just understand...they get it. I appreciated that so much.
Usually when I have the occasional panic attack it's at night and I just take something to help me sleep and then sleep it off and things are better in the morning. This was a whole new experience.
I took this picture while I was laying on the couch trying to rest....when no rest came. My whole body hurt, the tears still fell, I still have no reason why it came on so suddenly. I am glad I lived through it. It was an awful day. I can't believe I managed to get through a job interview in that state. But I did. Miraculously they called me the today and did a follow up like they wanted to hire me....so it's definitely an option.
I didn't get a validation that it was the correct place, but I didn't get one that it was the wrong place to work either...so now I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I have another interview tomorrow with a different company. Much smaller....and I am bracing myself to have confidence to get through it with no crazy events before hand.
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