So, it's no understatement to say that the last 5 years have been a financial roller coaster for us. 5 years ago I was prepping to get a job, Dallin was still a baby, I had interviews, I was pricing daycare for all 4 of my kids, I was an anxiety disaster and cried every night when I went to bed. I remember vividly Travis leaning into me one evening in bed, as I lay quietly crying and he said "I can't take it anymore, you can't keep doing this." I didn't know what else to do, I was being ripped in 2....I didn't want a job I didn't want to leave my babies, I wanted to be home. I've always wanted to be home. Even when we were first married I had a great job I loved it - but the minute I found out I was pregnant, I hated work - I wanted to be home. It is my opinion that there is safety for women at home - I'm not a feminist I think women can add value to any position they seek, however, I feel that ideally our long term goal is to get our children back to Heavenly Father and it is a lifelong process and a "job" does not help accomplish that goal.
My mom worked for 10 years while I was growing up - it was shortly after my dad had been laid off from his job and they both took positions at an airline in Phoenix. My mom loved her job but hated going to work. It was however, a necessity. We couldn't have survived without her income and my dad's income as well.
I do believe that sometimes circumstances warrant a mom to go back to work and out of necessity I think the Lord makes it work if our hearts are in the right place when we decide to go back. I have had to work through these feelings again just this week, as we have analyzed our current financial situation and found the need for me to take a job to help out.
Travis has been doing very well and continues to grow, but with the rising costs of EVERYTHING....we can't make it. We have been on gov't programs that have helped but now make too much to stay on. Our insurance alone for our family of 6 will cost us (with a few doctor visits each year, medicines, and incidentals) $15k. That's right off the top of our annual income, and we are not willing to go without...we saw a few years ago with Travis' headaches how fast medical bills can accumulate and we aren't willing to go without insurance.
It is killing Travis for me to go back - as he feels that he is failing in his job as sole provider. It is killing me at the thought, because so many things will have to change. No more quick trips for fun....no more volunteering at school, etc.
I went to the temple on Tuesday morning after we had had "The chat" on Monday night. I went specifically with the question of whether or not I should return to work....I got "Be patient, Marie." several times during that session. While I'm sure that is true and I have to be patient, I don't feel that is was super helpful. I came away knowing the Heavenly Father is aware of me, and I need to see the "best fit" for this situation...so, my prayers changed to "please help me find the job that will suit my families needs and help me still be the mom I need to be for them."
I don't want a job with responsibility - I would ideally love to work at Wal Mart...however that won't really help us. and I find myself thinking "I shouldn't have gotten my degree , then I wouldn't be in this position"- but is that the way? No, it's selfish. I got my degree 2 kids into my marriage because I knew I had to have it to fall on should I need it....I just never wanted to need it.
So, yesterday I sent a message to everyone local that I know and I'm going to start there - networking with those who might have a foot in the door for me. I have had multiple leads and now I have to figure out how to write cover letters, and make sure my resume is as it should be. I feel completely unqualified, my resume says otherwise, in fact, it's pretty impressive...but I don't feel impressive. I want to be good at whatever I do, I don't want to mess up. I am hoping with training in whatever position I can find- I will be quick to learn and pick up whatever skill is needed to do my job and come home.
So, there it is, I am terrified. I have anxiety about it. I can see the need for it. I will be patient. I will hope that the Lord will put the perfect fit in my lap and help me. I know in my heart of hearts I can't escape it this go round...it's coming. It's scary. I realize more and more how much more insecure I get with each year with respect to my work skills. I have to trust that I am in His hands and he will lead me in the way I should go . I have to pray that my heart is in the right place. I hope that my kids won't digress with me gone 40 hours during the week. I have to hope.
