Very carefully balanced...

I have loads of pictures that I need to upload from our trip to Utah over the 4th of July! It was so much fun seeing all my siblings and letting the cousins play and swim and just be together. We don't do it near often enough.

But for now I have the urge just to write and vent....I know I need to slow down. I know I try to do too many things, but I don't know where to cut back - where to make the changes that will allow me to have some down time. I feel like everything in my life is very carefully balanced in my pinky finger and at any moment it could give out and everything could come crashing down.

In my spare time during the day - I am in the office using QuickBooks to input invoices, checks, paying payroll, paying taxes, reconciling, or going to the bank to make the deposit of the one check we did get so we can make payroll. And then comes the phone call - one of the pieces of equipment for work is broken again....how should we pay for it....???? Really, how should we? How should we pay our OWN bills? Oh we shouldn't....everyone else comes before we do. It's so stressful, you add on top of that the fact that I am a clean freak and my house is never at my expectation of clean and I feel like I am falling short in that area, plus the fact that I never have time to read/ play with my kids, the guilt could kill a person. I mean we do go swimming and to the library and other fun stuff- I like to play, but I feel like I am so tense because of everything else that I am not that fun- and I don't wnat them to remember me as the tense mom- I want them to have a million memories of the fun things that we did together that they learned from and loved doing with me.

My backyard in this new house is horrible with our dogs. There is no where to put them- we have made a small area where they are confined, but they stink- and they run around the backyard and crap on the lawn and the concrete basketball pad and it stinks.....I hate cleaning it up I hate not knowing if I can walk on the grass- our other house was set up for them much better. Today one of them got out the gate and ran into the neighbor's house...I had to carry her home. A few days ago they both got out and it was hours before we got them back.

I need to be better at visiting teaching. I go every month. I'm dilligent, but I don't like it...at all - for me it's that "one more thing" that I need to get checked off and it feels very burdensome....no one would know that because I go out of my way to make sure they know they can call me should they ever need ANYTHING....but it's stressful.

I had a lady in my ward have me up to her house for a "Come to Jesus" session as I like to call it....I tried to get out of it, but she would have nothing to do with it. It was beneficial and I took some much needed insights away, but I still find myself wallowing in a pool of self pity and wondering what I need to learn from it- or wondering if I am going to be pushed beyond my breaking point and find myself institutionalized because I couldn't handle the stress that has been placed in my lap. Sometimes I wonder how far I can be stretched.....I feel like a sun scorched rubber band that if it's stretched anymore it will just break because it's already dry and cracked....

One of the quotes I left that lady's home with is this " When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." - Edward Teller

This is merely a VENTING post....no need for alarm, charity, or pity. I am fine - we are fine...sometimes I just need to vent. God has always taken care of us and I know He still will....

Balance....