Hmm....lots of thoughts in my head over this particular subject matter. I have found myself in an internal battle with myself trying to let the faith win over the natural man - but this my friends is a particularly difficult task for me. This post will be more of a journal entry - much of it very personal in nature. I am going to "bury" it in my blog posts as to not call attention or pity to myself. I find that writing my thoughts and feelings is theraputic, but I don't like the charity that often comes from the outsiders. I know I need to humble myself, it's just hard.
So- men are that they might have joy? How do you find joy in the drudge of the day to day when you look at the big picture and see so much craziness. Somehow I manage to still find joy in moments with my family with my kids, with others...but I am still a bit deflated and I feel that I am cutting myself short of the joy that can come with this mortal journey.
When we first took our little economic hit before we knew that 2 of our developers weren't going to pay us, I was praying that somehow we would see that money come in so that we could pay our vendors back. I remember pleading with the Lord after we found out that one developer wouldn't pay, to please let the other one come through even though it was a much lesser amount. This never happened. I lived. We prayed some more for answers on what to do, we received Priesthood blessings, we listened to the spirit.
In one of Travis' blessings he was told to stick with what he was doing (which at the time was still Boulder Creek and also a company called PrePaid Legal) - it was very clear that that is what we were supposed to be doing at that time. I was helping with the ppl side and was working 2-3 hours every afternoon with Travis and trading off who went to different meetings. I had to pray every day before I would start because it was so hard to go try again. Nonetheless, ever time I prayed I had a wash over me of the spirit that it was what I needed to be doing. EVERY DAY it was reaffirmed. So I stuck with it.
Gradually we were directed in different areas. We expanded our client base in the lawn care side of our business, Travis and I prayed and went to the temple to get an answer for another opportunity that presented for him to sell home security systems. We felt good about it. We knew it could take care of the needs of our family...so we went forward with that. We are still going forward with that - some days are good, some are horrible and terribly debilitating on both of us with regards to our morale, but we try to stay positive and know the the Lord is directing us. I try to pray every day multiple times a day while Travis is out knocking doors once again pleading for his success so that he can once again feel like he is worth what I already know he's worth. I feel that he has been broken over the last few years and I can't make it better. Now, granted we are only 3 weeks into the security sales and he's done ok, but there have been more downs than ups with it and my pleadings seem to be in vain. How do I put that aside and somehow just let the Lord take it over?
I feel like everything I have asked for in my prayers everything that I feel is a "righteous desire" and should be "granted unto me" (heck, I only want to be able to provide for our family without the stress of wondering where our next check will be from ) I think it's a righteous desire....I guess I don't know what a righteous desire is since I can't see the whole picture.
I know that the Lord knows what I need. But my prayers have changed from asking for specific blessings to just asking for Him to bless me as He sees fit, because what I ask for doesn't happen. It doesn't weaken my faith, but it makes me realize that He is in control and I need to trust Him. I know that He knows my heart, He knows my desires, He watches me cry, He watches me try to be the daughter He needs. I try every day, I try to serve I try to be happy I try to be willing when there are needs. Adversity is hard, it is a necessity, I understand that, but I am still human, I cry a lot (more than anyone could ever imagine), I put on a happy face every day and move forward, I hope more than I ever thought possible that we will get to a point that grants us a time (even if it's for a short while) of serenity so I can recover and regroup before the next challenge comes. I wish that I knew how to make it better, most of all I wish I knew how to fix a broken man. He has a heart of gold, a willingness to help others, a love of the gospel, and I want him to see himself like I do. I know he's been through more than I can imagine just being the breadwinner and catching blow after blow until there's not a lot of confidence left at all...
So- men are that they might have joy? How do you find joy in the drudge of the day to day when you look at the big picture and see so much craziness. Somehow I manage to still find joy in moments with my family with my kids, with others...but I am still a bit deflated and I feel that I am cutting myself short of the joy that can come with this mortal journey.
When we first took our little economic hit before we knew that 2 of our developers weren't going to pay us, I was praying that somehow we would see that money come in so that we could pay our vendors back. I remember pleading with the Lord after we found out that one developer wouldn't pay, to please let the other one come through even though it was a much lesser amount. This never happened. I lived. We prayed some more for answers on what to do, we received Priesthood blessings, we listened to the spirit.
In one of Travis' blessings he was told to stick with what he was doing (which at the time was still Boulder Creek and also a company called PrePaid Legal) - it was very clear that that is what we were supposed to be doing at that time. I was helping with the ppl side and was working 2-3 hours every afternoon with Travis and trading off who went to different meetings. I had to pray every day before I would start because it was so hard to go try again. Nonetheless, ever time I prayed I had a wash over me of the spirit that it was what I needed to be doing. EVERY DAY it was reaffirmed. So I stuck with it.
Gradually we were directed in different areas. We expanded our client base in the lawn care side of our business, Travis and I prayed and went to the temple to get an answer for another opportunity that presented for him to sell home security systems. We felt good about it. We knew it could take care of the needs of our family...so we went forward with that. We are still going forward with that - some days are good, some are horrible and terribly debilitating on both of us with regards to our morale, but we try to stay positive and know the the Lord is directing us. I try to pray every day multiple times a day while Travis is out knocking doors once again pleading for his success so that he can once again feel like he is worth what I already know he's worth. I feel that he has been broken over the last few years and I can't make it better. Now, granted we are only 3 weeks into the security sales and he's done ok, but there have been more downs than ups with it and my pleadings seem to be in vain. How do I put that aside and somehow just let the Lord take it over?
I feel like everything I have asked for in my prayers everything that I feel is a "righteous desire" and should be "granted unto me" (heck, I only want to be able to provide for our family without the stress of wondering where our next check will be from ) I think it's a righteous desire....I guess I don't know what a righteous desire is since I can't see the whole picture.
I know that the Lord knows what I need. But my prayers have changed from asking for specific blessings to just asking for Him to bless me as He sees fit, because what I ask for doesn't happen. It doesn't weaken my faith, but it makes me realize that He is in control and I need to trust Him. I know that He knows my heart, He knows my desires, He watches me cry, He watches me try to be the daughter He needs. I try every day, I try to serve I try to be happy I try to be willing when there are needs. Adversity is hard, it is a necessity, I understand that, but I am still human, I cry a lot (more than anyone could ever imagine), I put on a happy face every day and move forward, I hope more than I ever thought possible that we will get to a point that grants us a time (even if it's for a short while) of serenity so I can recover and regroup before the next challenge comes. I wish that I knew how to make it better, most of all I wish I knew how to fix a broken man. He has a heart of gold, a willingness to help others, a love of the gospel, and I want him to see himself like I do. I know he's been through more than I can imagine just being the breadwinner and catching blow after blow until there's not a lot of confidence left at all...
I don't know if any of this post made sense. But I would like my children to know that trials come, they are hard, they teach us so many things, and sometimes we don't know what the entire lesson will be until they are over.
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